The Taxman Cometh

Eating Over The Sink

Here’s something to ponder during Tax Month. On average, one teaspoon of honey is the lifetime labor output of twelve bees. Imagine that, twelve bees. I point this out to you in order to prove, once again, that things could always be worse.

Last year on the weekend after April 15th, Glorious Spouse and I hosted a Misery-Loves-Company dinner party. The theme was ‘Cheap,’ and everyone was asked to wear old clothes, garments representing what they had left after the taxman was finished with them. (One friend even came wearing a large plastic bag.) And, no real jewelry was permitted. After all, if you can still afford to have jewelry, you clearly haven’t given enough. We handed out dimestore plastic necklaces to the ladies as they arrived to help adorn their meager outfits.

But, there was no black crepe hung. We are patriotic in the Grady household, and we know that at least some of our taxes go to things we’re very glad to have. So red, not black, was the color of the evening, red to match the red ink of money being subtracted from bank accounts.

The dinner table was covered with a motley assortment of old tax forms taken from the Help Yourself pile at the Post Office, and each place setting had a 1040 tax form as a place mat, with the guest’s name emblazoned on it in heavy black felt-tip pen, marking his/her seat. And there were bright pennies strewn around the table next to votive candles in the bottoms old jars.

We hid our crystal, the silverware, and our attractive flower vases. We used washed-out dog food cans to display some wild flowers and weeds as centerpieces. We ate with plastic forks and spoons off of metal pie tins.

Beverages were served in plastic glasses. The cheap kinds: jug wine, redneck beer, discount store 2-liter bottles of soda, and water from the tap. No fine wine, no 12-year-old scotch, no mineral waters. Cheap!

Dinner could have been beans, potatoes and bread, but since we live and cook Low Carb, our guests were able to escape that fate. Instead, we served up Cheap Chili.

The chili controversy: Some who think they are purists say that the word ‘chili’ is actually a shortened version of ‘chili con carne,’ and therefore chili cannot be made without beans. If ‘Chili con carne’ is Spanish for chili with meat, then the chili part of the phrase clearly means beans, since ‘meat with meat’ would make no sense. Hence, say they, chili starts with beans, and unless you don’t want any meat in it because you’re some sort of weirdo vegetarian, chili is beans and meat.

Others, also certain of being purists, declare that putting beans in chili is against Nature’s Laws, that beans and chili are like the positive and negative poles of a magnet, and repel each other.

These two positions about sum up the chili controversy. I will have to undertake a deeper study into this matter sometime, and when I do, rest assured, I will report it all to you. In the meantime, Glorious Spouse and I have to admit to holding a variant of the No Beans position, a variant known as the Low Carb, No Beans, No Catsup, No Sugar camp.

Anyway, at the party we had some hot cheese dip, some salads, and even some actual rice for those who follow the SAD diet (Standard American Diet, for those of you not in the loop). We had a lot of laughs.

Since several of you are bound to send me an email to ask for my CHEAP CHILI recipe, here it is.

Cheap Chili

• 4 pounds ‘chili grind’ ground beef
• 4 slices of bacon, chopped
• 5 cloves of garlic, crushed or minced
• 2 tablespoons chili powder
• 2 tablespoons ground cumin
• 2 tablespoons dried oregano
• 1 tablespoon ground coriander
• 3 cups celery, chopped
• 1 large carrot, peeled and diced
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 2 jalapeno chilis, minced
• 15-20 large mushrooms, cleaned and coarsely chopped
• 2 tablespoons DaVinci Sugar Free Chocolate Syrup
• 1 28-ounce can crushed tomatoes
• 2 1/2 cups homemade beef broth or two cans of it
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• salt to taste
• grated cheddar cheese
• sour cream
• chopped green onions, white and green parts
• bottle of hot sauce

Preheat the oven to 325F.

Cook the meat in a large fry pan until it just loses its pink color. Drain the meat and transfer it into a large ovenproof pot or casserole dish that has a cover, and set it aside.
Cook the bacon in the fry pan. When it is soft, add the garlic, chili powder, cumin, oregano, and coriander. Cook until the garlic pieces get slightly brown, and the spices are aromatic. Add the celery, carrot, onion, and chilis, and continue cooking until the carrot pieces are tender, stirring often. Add the mushrooms and cook until they soften. Add the DaVinci syrup and stir to blend.

Transfer the contents of the frying pan to the meat pot. Mix well, then add the broth, cream, and salt. Mix again. Cover the pot and bake for about 1 hour, until fully cooked. Add 1/4 cup coffee (or water) if the chili is too dry. You can cook this ahead and reheat it before your guests arrive.

Serve up the Cheap Chili in pie tins. Set out a container of sour cream (don’t transfer it to a nice bowl; we can’t afford nice bowls, remember), and set out additional pie tins, plastic bowls, or Tupperware-type containers with grated cheese and green onions for toppings. Also, put out the bottle of hot sauce, in case I crash your party.

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ZACK GRADY writes from Southern California where he recently served some of this chili to an IRS agent of his acquaintance, and she lived to tell about it, there being no strychnine in the ingredient list.