Beware The Marketers!

The Low Carb Crusader

After so many years of following Atkins, “falling off the wagon” over and over again, but learning from my mistakes each time, and ultimately coming to a very Zen place with my acceptance of this diet and the food that I eat on a daily basis, I can’t believe that all my hard work has been undone by a simple scheme of the Marketing Department.

MARKETING! Whenever TV tells you that you are going to be unpopular or possibly dead if you don’t have something, that’s Marketing in action. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved Marketing all my life! I’ve cherished Marketing! I have always relied on Marketing to make all the hard decisions in life for me! Should I watch “Gilmore Girls” or “Buffy The Vampire Slayer?” What’s that, Marketing? You say that “Gilmore Girls” is the WB’s sleeper-hit with a steadily growing fan base that makes tonight’s episode a must-see experience? Thank you, Marketing!

Heck, it was Marketing that got me on this diet in the first place, with the use of those forbidden words “controversial” and “dangerously rapid weight loss!” Yes, I’ve grown familiar with all these Marketing slogans and buzzwords, and I’ve even built up a bit of a tolerance for them. But even I can’t resist when something is back ‘for a limited time only.’

So just who is The Marketing Division? They are your best friends, your worst enemies, and the part of the glue that keeps the universe together known as capitalism. See, behind every product, there are 3 major groups involved:

• The Inventors: This is the group of people who sit around all day long and think up new things that we the public need, or maybe just stuff that we don’t know we need. They make everything we have that wasn’t put on the face of the earth by the Deity or Deities that brought us such memorable products as “trees,” “rivers,” and “breathable atmosphere.” The Inventors create a variety of products that help fill the empty parts of our souls that the Deity’s or Deities’ creations can’t fill such as Mini Radio-Controlled Racing Cars, Spiderman Action Figures, Sour Cream & Onion Pork Rinds, and Barbara Mandrel’s Greatest Hits boxed- sets. They sit back and say, “Hey, you know what the world needs? It needs this product!”

• The Retailers: These are the people who will give you all those things the inventors made – for a price. You want a delicious sugar-free Crystal Light Lemon Lime Slurpee? Give the retailer some money, he’ll give you a delicious sugar-free Crystal Light Lemon Lime Slurpee. Want a complete set of every episode of the hilarious sitcom “Mama’s Family” on VHS? A retailer will give it to you in exchange for money. It is the job of the retailer to say “You know what you need, World? You need to give me money for this product!”

• The Marketers: Remember the scene in “Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan” where Khan (played by Ricardo Montelban) was interrogating Checkov and that unknown Red-Shirt guy (the one who kills himself because all unnamed Red Shirts have to die in Star Trek)? Anyway, he sticks these ugly little bugs in their ears, and the ugly little bugs proceeded to eat their brains until they did what Khan wants them to do, because it causes intense pain to not do what Khan commands. Those ugly little bugs are like the Marketing Department. They get in your brain and figure out how to make you want to do something, even if you don’t actually want to. Even if it means the ultimate destruction of The Enterprise and Captain Kirk! It is their job to say, “Hey world, you know what everyone else has and you’ll be a social misfit unless you have it too? They all have this product! HURRY AND GET THIS PRODUCT NOW!”

So yeah, the Marketers got to me. Usually I can deflect the marketer’s suggestions. Usually I can get past having to buy such things as the Big Mouth Billy Singing Fish (“The ULTIMATE hilarious Party Starter!”) and the Hand Painted $20 Gold Coin (“A $20 gold coin for only $49, features both George Bush AND Al Gore on flip-sides of this historic coin!”). But this time, they did the unthinkable… They brought one of my oldest archenemies out of retirement.

The brought back The McRibb. And worst of all, it was for a limited time only.

I’m sure a lot of you had similar experiences when they made that announcement a few months ago. It was The McRibb! The ORIGINAL! The tangy condensed corn syrup BBQ sauce, the processed pork-like meat product, the non-round bun… It was all back! So yeah, I caved in. It’s as if all the Marketing Departments for every single item I had ever bought had gotten together for a special conference in Vegas, the topic being, “How Can We Get Brian To Go Off His Diet And Buy A McRibb?” And it all boiled down to that “for a limited time only” slogan.

Oh, the horror I felt as I envisioned a future without McRibb Sandwiches! A future where I had missed out on my one “limited” opportunity to relive the glory of my wasted youth! How could I pass it up? McDonald’s had extended the offer, so how could I refuse it?

Well, I had to refuse it. I’m not going to stand here and pretend that I’m some sort of superhuman who can resist every temptation. I’m not going to tell you that you can stand up to every temptation if you just stick to it. Everyone has a moment of weakness now and again. You can’t beat yourself up over every little mistake, just try to learn from it and move on in life, right? So the truth of the matter is that I DID resist the temptation of The McRibb, but only by using the logic that, “If I’m going to CHEAT, it may as well be on something REALLY GOOD,” so I got some Kentucky Fried Chicken instead.

And yes, I’m ashamed of myself, but I’m not going to continue to beat myself up over it. After all, it wasn’t my fault… the 8-Piece Family Feast was on sale for a limited time only! How could I pass up such an – waitaminit…  I did it again, didn’t I?