Excuses, Excuses

I went off my diet temporarily one Thursday this summer, and didn’t stop being off until the following Monday morning! It all started innocently enough at a companywide lunch meeting. It was the last lunch meeting of the year that we’d be having outdoors, and my coworkers convinced me that I should go ahead and have a burger on a real bun with real ketchup, since this was the last time this year it would happen. And what good is a burger without potato salad and Fritos? Luckily, I was able to rationalize this cheat by remembering one of the golden rules of dieting: food eaten at an official company function doesn’t count. So I figured I was safe, and vowed to start anew the next Friday.

Unfortunately, I forgot that that particular Friday was our marketing lunch meeting, catered by Cucina Presto (an Italian place). Lunches from there usually cost the company around $12 per person. I toyed with the idea of just not eating, but I’m too good an employee to do that. I wouldn’t dream of wasting the company’s money! Oh, sure… I’ve bent about $74 worth of paper clips into the modern art that decorates my cubicle wall, but that’s different… that’s ART. That I can live with. But to purposefully waste the money that the company spent to feed me? Why, I may as well slap my own mother in the face for all the good manners she taught me that I’m not using as an adult!

So I ate a meatball panini sandwich. It was my duty! “Besides,” I told myself, “I can start back up on induction tomorrow morning.”

Saturday was the day before I was going to be running a retailer’s table at a huge comic book convention, doing what I do best: buying and selling comic books and other pop-culture collectibles. I was running all over town from 7 in the morning until 10 at night, making deals and gathering last minute stuff for my table at the convention. At about 1 in the afternoon a sudden dizzy spell reminded me that I hadn’t eaten anything all day. Thinking that I could get something quick, I pulled into McDonalds looking for a 6-piece Chicken McNuggets. But when the budding young woman spoke over the intercom to me, she informed me that they where temporarily out of the golden crispy chicken bits! “Well, since I’m already here,” I rationalized…

Two Cajun McChicken Sandwiches and a Big Mac Value Meal later, I was feeling pretty darned bloated. But I hadn’t super-sized! That was the one battle that I won that day!

Sunday was the day of the big comic book convention. It was GREAT! I was busy from the moment I started setting up my table, until the very end of the day! Hundreds of customers, and I made nearly $600 from selling comic books, posters, and toys. What can I say? Selling is just in my blood!

However, the guy with the table across the way from me wasn’t doing as well as I was. He just sat there all day long with just a few comics spread out on his table. He only had maybe three customers all day long. I felt really sad for him, so after the convention I went over to make some small talk. “Yeah, I only had 3 sales all day long,” he said. “It’s pretty rough… I barely made $10,000…”

Gee, only 10 grand? Must suck to be you, mister! Suddenly, I didn’t feel so bad for him.

To celebrate the money I did make, I decided to take my roommates out to dinner. Unfortunately, they chose Skippers as the place to dine that night. For those of you without a Skippers near you, Skippers is just another name for Long John Silvers (from what I’ve heard); its a fish and chips shop. The best deep-fried breaded fish ever! Despite having resolved to restart on induction this day, I decided to have the all-you-can-eat fish and chips. But this time I had a plan. Foolproof, really…

Before each bite of crispy breaded goodness, I would say in a loud, deliberate voice “Mmmmmmmm! These unbreaded pork chops sure are good! Yes sirree bob! Not breaded fish and French fries… no, no, no! Just fried pork for as far as the eye can see!”

The theory behind this is that hopefully my body is listening, and my metabolism has formed an alliance much like the Teamsters or other unionized laborers. When all these carbohydrates hit my stomach, my metabolism will push back it’s hard hat and say “Whoa! Hey! Nobody said NUTTIN’ about no carbohydrates comin’ down heah today! This heah work ordah clearly says Poak Chops! Youah gonna have to take dat breadin somewheah else, buddy!”

(I’m not sure why my metabolism has a slight Boston accent. It just does.)

Utilizing this theory of tricking your body into losing weight, the possibilities are endless! But you have to really believe in the lie in order for it to work. I remember way back, when I was just a little fat kid, my mother would try to put me on low-fat and low-calorie diets. Of course, I would cheat on these diets constantly (a habit which has followed me to this very day), and my mother would somehow find out.

Maybe it was the ring of dried chocolate ice cream around my mouth, maybe it was the streak of barbecue sauce down the front of my shirt. Who knows? Oh, if only I could have been a less-slovenly child, maybe I could have gotten away with it! But every time my mother found out, she wouldn’t punish me; all she would say is “When you lie about cheating, then the only person you’re really fooling is yourself.” And ya know what? I think that just might work for this new diet plan. With this logic going for me, the only person I really need to fool is myself!

So who knows? Maybe this will be a whole new diet revolution! “Using red tape and a unionized metabolism to realize a thinner you!”

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