Saving The World From Dean Ornish and Protein Bars

Many of you have written me recently, asking all sorts of questions about a recent news item involving me and how my involvement in this bizarre episode has prevented me from writing more frequent articles for CarbSmart.

I find it very odd that the press so quickly covered up the entire battle atop the Empire State Building, and has not reported the repercussions of that battle which have rippled throughout the world. Due to legal constraints, I’m sorry to inform you that I can’t go into detail about the situation, other than to confirm the information that has already been leaked to the media.

Yes, I was involved in a fight to the death atop the Empire State Building. Yes, my opponent was a genetically altered and incredibly insane clone of Dean Ornish, who was not much different than the actual man, when you think about it.   And yes, the horrendous epidemic of hoof-and-mouth disease that threatens low carb lifestyles around the globe was released in part due to my failure to stop Dr. Ornish’s evil clone. I’m sorry, everyone. Really, I am! But I had to choose between disarming the hoof-and-mouth bomb, and saving a tour group of young school children from a fate worse than death: giant fat free, high carb, meatless tofu burgers prepared by the mad Ornish clone as a diversion. (What would YOU have done?)

So, now that you all know why this article is so late and I’ve made my apologies, I’d like to bring up something that may or may not effect us all on a daily basis: low carb bars.

No, I’m not talking about a saloon where you can mosey on up to the bar and ask the barkeep for a scotch-and-pork-loin on the rocks. (Although, hey, not such a bad idea…)  No, I’m talkin’ about those nasty sawdust-and-pine-tar bars you can buy over the Internet or at your local grocery store in hopes of finding a replacement for candy bars.

Now, before you read any further, I thought I should just let you know; I’ve been on this diet for over a year now, and I have done just what you have done. I’ve tried nearly every single low carb bar available, and I have tried to choke the nasty buggers down while saying, “Gee, this is really (gulp) good (weak smile)!”  BUT NO MORE!  I refuse to lie to myself any longer! These foil-wrapped harbingers of nastiness must be stopped!  If the artificial flavor doesn’t instantly activate your gag reflex and you manage to keep chewing without spewing, you’ll end up with a greasy coating on the roof of your mouth that can only be removed by drinking hot, hot tea and paying through the nose for extensive intensive psychotherapy sessions.

Of course, this is just my opinion.

How did I come to be so bitter about these snacks that masquerade as a low carber’s best buddy?  It was just a few weeks ago, when I had heard that a local chain of grocery stores had expanded their low carb line. I went down and bought one of each flavor they had (4 in all!) and decided I would have my own little taste test to sample the apparent cornucopia of wondrous treats now at my disposal. To avoid any litigation here, I will refrain from using actual product names, and only identify the bars by their flavor.

Remember, I went in to this product sampling still delusional about how much I loved low carb bars.  I wasn’t expecting to come away from the test abhorring the nasty little buggers. Now, a recollection of that day…

I came out of the store full of joy and anticipation. I could hardly wait!  Four different, brand-new flavors to try!  The variety available was overwhelming!  As I walked back to my truck across the parking lot, I decided I should try one of the smaller bars.  I reached in to the magical plastic bag of goodness and pulled out a small bar that proudly said it was “Chocolate Banana.”  Oh boy!  I love chocolate bananas!  I unwrapped that sucker quickly, leaving it naked and vulnerable before me. I took a nice sized bite out of the bar, chewed the chunk twice, and could no longer stand to have it in my mouth. Seems that had forgotten a word of the flavor… should have been chocolate, banana, AND GASOLINE!!! 

Now, when it comes to food, I am not a proud man. I have been known to eat Cheetos, popcorn, and even the occasional pre-sucked hard candy directly from between the couch cushions. (Hey, what’s a little lint? It adds an interesting texture.) I’ll eat pretty much anything. But the remainder of this nasty thing got dropped in the nearest trash can, and the bite in my mouth was expelled from my person like so much tobacco juice out a baseball pitcher’s mouth.

“Well, I guess if I was REALLY hungry, that wouldn’t be too bad…”

I waited till I got to my truck to try the next bar; “Blueberry Cheesecake.”  The flavor was really nice… Not blueberry, definitely not cheesecake, but very nice.  Matter of fact, if it hadn’t sucked all the moisture from my entire head while I was eating it, I may have even been able to swallow it and enjoy it!  I guess that this bar was designed by the CIA to keep you from salivating, as part of a super-secret, James Bond thingee.

“Gee, guess I’d want to make sure I have PLENTY of water with THAT one!”

Next up, “Cappucino.”  Now, I’ve already got an opinion about coffee-flavored low carb bars. See, in my opinion, the low carb food manufacturers should take a hint from the legitimate candy bar makers of the world and ask themselves “Hey, why is no one else making a coffee flavored candy bar?”  I’ll tell you why, you bozos:  BECAUSE COFFEE SHOULD BE HOT AND LIQUID, NOT THICK AND CHEWY!!!  Well, unless you’re at Denny’s… but that’s the only exception!!! 

Somewhere, in the bowels of the food laboratories of every low carb company, there is a sadistic pervert wearing a leather zipper-mask, fishnet stockings, and a “Kiss The Cook” apron. In a disturbingly high falsetto voice, he says, “What new ffffflavorssss should I work on today?  Chocolate Beef?  Spam Surprise?  No… Let’ssss work on our Coffee Candy Bars!  Hee hee hee heeeee!!!”

Well, this might be good, but I already hate coffee flavored bars, so I’m biased.

Last but not least was a HUGE bar calling itself “Lemon Frost.”  Now, out of all the unnatural flavors for a candy bar to be, I think that lemon is my favorite. I specifically saved this one for last, because it was the one I was most looking forward to trying. I loved the flavor at first, but then found that the sandpaper-like texture was tearing up the insides of my mouth something fierce, and the strong lemon flavor was just making it sting like crazy.

Well, it started out good, but then the bleeding in my mouth caused it to start tasting like copper. Sigh.

So ya know what?  I’m done with low carb bars entirely. I’m sure that many of you really enjoy them, but I haven’t got time for the pain. Maybe it’s my fault for thinking of these bars as CANDY bars, but can you really blame me?  I mean, they’re not meal replacement bars, so what are they?  Oh well… guess I’ll just stick with the low carb chocolate bars that make you poop a lot.