Delilah’s Mirror Episode 6: There Ain’t No Easy Way!

There ain’t no easy way. I had a traumatic experience in August of last year, and pretty much fell off the wagon so much that ever since, I have been vulnerable to any hint of a whiff of a suggestion of cheating. Some days it takes all I’ve got to withstand the temptation. Sometimes it’s not too terribly difficult. Some days I don’t withstand it at all, and realize that I am an addict, plain and simple.

What it comes down to for me is making choices not on a day-by-day basis, but hour-by-hour. I made a choice in early November that seemed innocent enough at the time, but you know what? I knew what I was doing.

I’ll tell you the choice. It was “honey Dijon”or “regular” salad dressing, and I… ahem… forgot… that I stall on mustard no matter what, and I didn’t read the label where it says “Serving size 2 grams of carbohydrates per 1 teaspoon.” And of course, you don’t really have to measure it if it comes out of a squeeze bottle spout, because how much can you get out of that tiny little thing? And the “honey” part is irrelevant because how much honey could possibly be there? And… and… and… and… and…

I realized my error when I went to the lounge room later that evening and found free doughnuts. I wanted one so badly I nearly cried. In the real world of my own personal Standard Elizabeth Diet, I would never have chosen doughnuts.

I had no victory because I chose to withstand the doughnuts. The battle would not have been as great had I not imbibed in the honey Dijon (especially when I know mustard stalls me and honey is a blatant no-no), so I can’t take credit for building straw men and knocking them down again. And considering how easily I have fallen to temptation in the last several months, I shouldn’t have even considered the honey Dijon salad dressing!

But an addict will always be able to justify his fix, both before and after the deed is done. I had a built-in motivator/coping mechanism for 20 months of my journey. It was gone in month 21, and I floundered. I had to find a new motivator/coping mechanism, and when that didn’t come along, I had to make the same choices an alcoholic makes on his first, or third, or twenty-third stab at AA.